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The right of the dial

Posted by keithosaunders on February 10, 2012

I spent the last weekend in Las Vegas visiting my father.  Having grown up in Brooklyn and Queens, my Dad is a lifelong Giants fan, and since my regular Sunday gig was cancelled due to the game, I decided to make the trek down to watch it with him.

This is the third time I’ve made the drive from the Bay Area to Vegas.  It is a deceptively long drive.  If you could drive on a direct angle from Berkeley to Vegas it would probably be a six or seven hour trip.  Thanks to the Sierra Nevada range, however, this is impossible.  You have to drive south to Bakersfield on I 5, cut over east on a 150 mile mountain pass road — rt 58 — and finally, at Barstow, turn North onto I 15.  It is a nine-hour drive, that is if you don’t stop.

Fortunately I love driving.  I’m an animal behind the wheel and can drive great distances without tiring.  All I need are some good sounds to spur me on and I’m happy.  I’ve driven cross-country on two consecutive years, with a third trip looming this summer as my oldest boy is going to be going to school back east.

After the game (and what a game!) I decided to drive home rather than have to wake up at 5AM the next morning.  I had to be back by Monday night for a gig and I knew I could make great time at night.

I know enough to pull over when I’m tired.  It’s amazing how effective a ten minute cat nap can be.  I ended up needing to take two of them — one at 2Am, and the other at 4AM.  I arrived home safe and sound at 5:30.

About halfway through the drive I decided to take a break from my ipod and tune in to some right-wing radio.  I expected to become upset while listening to their vitriol, but in the end I only felt a sense of bemusement and pity.

I mean, they’ve got nothing.  Literally nothing.   All they have to talk about is their hatred of Obama, and their love of the lord.  Obama is a socialist, and the lord is their savior.

I feel sorry for them.  They don’t want to talk about Romney — they hate him.  They’re embarrassed by Gingrich, because

a) he’s too smart for them

and

b) his checkered history disturbs them.

Ron Paul is too liberal for them, and even these nutcases realize that Santorum has no shot.

One host claimed to know exactly when Armageddon was coming, but you had to buy his book to find out when and how.  I’m sure it would be a great read but I’m going to save my thirty bucks.

I ended up staying with right-wing radio for a good hundred miles.  I couldn’t turn away.  It was extremely entertaining.

Posted in football, life, media | Tagged: , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

Oh it’s on!

Posted by keithosaunders on January 22, 2012

Here is a last-minute NFC championship game post.  The New York Giant Bay Area outpost is open for business in Albany, California, consisting entirely of my family.  I don’t dare venture out into the streets until after the Giants have destroyed the 49ers, reaping revenge for the last time these two teams met in the post season in 2002; a wild-card game in which the Giants blew a 24 point lead only to lose 39-38.

Have I mentioned that these west coasters are out of their minds?!  They were already printing their Super Bowl tickets even before they beat the Saints.  Then last Saturday’s mass jubilation after their improbably victory — carrying on like it was the final scene from Hoosiers.  (my world war two metaphor was better, I know.  Sue me!)

The sports radio guys, as usual, were out of control, going on about east coast bias, and the ghosts of Candlestick Park.  

First of all…east coast bias?!  The last time I looked it’s the same no-neck guys who play on both coasts.  Also, as my friend and co-blogging blogger, Jeff Mazzei pointed out, the western teams, with the exception of this year’s 49ers squad, basically suck.

And…the ghosts of Candlestick?!  What ghosts?  John Brodie?!  All those guys from the ’80s are still alive!   Is it possible that Joe Montana has a ghost that we don’t know about?  That guy truly is amazing.

Go Giants!

 

Is it the real Joe Montana, or his ghost?

 

Posted in football | Tagged: , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Of the Saints, 49ers, and Joe Carter.

Posted by keithosaunders on January 16, 2012

It’s been a great playoff season.  Who could have predicted that when the smoke cleared there would be two coaches named Harbaugh in the Championship game, as well as a Giants team who on December 4th had lost four in a row, and at 6-6 looked like an afterthought.  The Patriots success could have been predicted, but on the other hand, they have one of the more porous defenses in NFL history to have advanced this deep into the playoffs.

On Saturday I settled into my living room to watch the 49ers/Saints game.  Living in the Bay Area and being a sports talk-radio devotee, I had spent the previous week being hyped into a frenzy, and by midday Saturday I was frothing at the mouth awaiting the game.

The radio hosts and the callers had confounded me with their near unanimous confidence in the 49ers ability to take down the scoring machine that is the Saints offense.  To me it seemed like homer-ism run amok.  Their team has a mediocre quarterback and had played a soft schedule.

In New York, even when the Giants have great teams, this kind of blanket cockiness never exists.  There is always a healthy dose of skepticism and people more or less expect the worst to happen.

I have a theory about this.  New York has largest Jewish population of any metropolitan area in the world.  Nobody knows suffering like the Jews do, and the feeling of facing insurmountable hardships seeps into the collective psyche of the city.  Every gentile in New York knows a little Yiddish.

The Hebraically challenged Bay Area does not know from such suffering, ergo they are blithely spared such bouts of negative thinking.  They can’t imagine anything bad happening.

Contrarian that I am, I was quietly savoring watching the ‘Friscans being served a generous helping of humble pie.  The game began and you could see immediately that the 49ers defense was all that it was advertised.  Still the Saints defense held their own, shutting down the Niners offense for most of the second and third quarter.

By the fourth quarter two things were painfully apparent:  First, it was going to be a great ending, and second, because of my Saturday night gig, I would have to leave sometime during the fourth quarter.

I left with the 49ers ahead with six minutes to go in the fourth quarter.  By the time I had reached the Bay Bridge the Saints had taken their first lead of the game.  Midway across the bridge the 49ers grabbed the lead back with a brilliant Harbaugh call of an Alex Smith bootleg.

By now I was beginning to do the slow burn, grinding my teeth and muttering the name, Joe Carter under my breath.  (In 1993 I missed the one of the greatest World Series ending of all time — a Joe Carter walk-off home run)

I was over the bridge and driving south on Folsom when the Saints retook the lead on a 66 yard Drew Brees pass to tight end, Jimmy Graham.

“Shit!”

By now I was desperately searching for a bar where I could pull over and watch the final minute and a half of the game.  The sports gods rewarded me with a bar and a parking spot, and I ran in to see the winning 49er drive.  At least I can say I saw the end of what will surely be remembered as one of the greatest playoff games of all time.

I was unprepared for what would happen next.  It was more of a delayed reaction, really, as if the city was on seven second delay.  It was as if the city took a collective deep breath and held it for five minutes.

Then bedlam.  People began streaming out of bars shouting with delight, cars were honking and drunk girls were screaming like banshees.  This went on for two hours.  It was like V-J day.  I realize it was a game for the ages, but come on,  San Francisco, act like you’ve been there before.  It’s not even the championship game!

The thing is, they have been there — THEY’VE WON FIVE SUPER BOWLS!

Now the 49ers will face my team, the Giants.  I have no doubt that every Bay Area resident is rubbing his or her palms together in glee, thinking, “Oh baby, it’s in the bag!”  But unless I miss my guess, I think they’re in for a rude awakening come Sunday.  Talmud, after all, is a dish best served cold.

 

 

Posted in football | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments »

The genuflecting

Posted by keithosaunders on January 11, 2012

Someone posted this as a wall photo on my Facebook:

Don’t forget to pray today, because God didn’t forget to wake you up this morning.

I’ll say this about Jews and Muslims:  They do not proselytize.  Even if I was receptive to religion, the last thing I would want is for some righteous fanatic to shove it in my face.  I suspect that these are the people who are most repressed.  What are they trying to hide? 

Tim Tebow finally had a good game last Sunday against the Steelers.  I have to admit that he is clutch.  I’ll also say this:  You could have driven a Mac truck through those Pittsburgh safetys.  Even I would have scored with those holes.

Now we’ve got another week of hearing about how Tebow does nothing but win.  Until the Patriots send him a one-way ticket to heathen-town.

I love it when Christians get all huffy about being tamped down due to political correctness.  There’s only 224 million of them in the U.S. — I think they have a voice. 

Would Tebow be a household name if he didn’t interject God into every other sentence?  He’s a mediocre quarterback who had one good game and a bunch of lucky ones.  America loves sanctimony, and Tebow has it in spades.    

Can you imagine the outrage if Tebow was a Muslim and he used his post game interviews to thank Allah?  He would be tarred and feathered faster than you could say war on Christmas. 

I get nervous around devout people.  When I think about devout Christians the first word that comes to mind is intolerance.  Intolerance of gays and minorities and a myopic world view.  I think about their propensity for supporting capital punishment, as well as their love of guns and their narrow view of civil rights.   

That’s religion to me.

Posted in football | Tagged: , , , , , | 3 Comments »

Tebow time and Gingrich slime

Posted by keithosaunders on December 14, 2011

Few will be surprised that I am not a fan of the Denver Bronco’s second year quarterback, and pain-in-the-ass evangelist, Tim Tebow, but I must admit to a certain how does he do it fascination.  He’s a terrible quarterback.  Sure he’s a good runner, and that’s a handy tool to have, but everybody knows that the successful NFL QBs thrive in the pocket.  Don’t they?

Tebow ranks 27th in yards per pass and 14th in total yards, but somehow, due to a combination of his legs, a brilliant Bronco defense, and good old-fashioned luck, Tebow finds himself poised to take the Broncos to the playoffs.  Last Sunday, rather than the thanking the lord, Tebow should have thanked Marion Barber for not running out-of-bounds, thereby giving the Broncos time to march down the field for a game tying field goal against the Bears.

Tebow is all the rage.  I wonder if he would be so beloved were his name Tim Tebowitz and his post game pressers consisted of long lectures on Talmud.  I take that back — I’m not wondering.  

A Denver defensive lineman had the right idea:   After a pre-season game in which Tebow, then a rookie, suggested the team pray, the defensive lineman responded, “why don’t you shut the fuck up?!”

Yeah!  Who care’s what God thinks about football?  I’m sure he’s got more important things on his mind.  Anyway we all know he’s a Giants fan.

Then there’s the faltering campaign of Mitt Romney, who belong to the religion of which he dare not speak its name.  Much to my amusement the Republican electorate cannot bring themselves to get behind their only viable candidate, thus giving Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul their turn at relevancy.

Newt, who to his credit is trying to run a smear-free campaign, was forced to fire an aide who had suggested that evangelicals were ”poised to expose the cult of Mormon.”  While I’m happy to see turmoil in the Gingrich campaign, this puts me in the uncomfortable position of being aligned with evangelicals.  

Of course Mormonism is a cult.  Let  me get this straight:  Christ appeard in upstate New York after the resurrection?!  What, was he appearing in the Catskills at Kutsher’s opening for Shecky Greene? 

Then there’s the proselytizing, the multiple wives, the prohibition of caffeine and alchoh…wait a minute, back up…multiple wives?

Sign me up!       

Posted in football, Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

It’s a dog’s world

Posted by keithosaunders on November 12, 2011

Who would have thought when the season began, that Giants/49ers would end up being a marquee matchup.  That’s the great thing about football — you’ve got the week-long buildup to the event, and the deeper into the season you get, the bigger and better the hype.

I’m a sucker for sports hype, and I love listening to the radio guys talk about Sunday’s game.  The San Francisco sports talk radio hosts are  a surprisingly good listen.  They’re not nearly as vitriolic as the New York hosts, and they have a light-hearted way of infusing humor into the broadcast.  In New York, between the caustic hosts and the hysterical callers, you feel like you’re listening to Wagnerian opera.  Don’t get me wrong, I listened to those New York guys religiously, but sometimes the banter would become too heavy-handed and drone-like. 

On the other hand, it’s funny what upsets the west coast guys.  Early in the week, by way of stirring the pot up for this Sunday’s game, one of the hosts was recalling the end of the 1989 football season.  The Giants needed the 49ers to win in order for them to make the playoffs.  The 49ers, who had already clinched, rested most of their star players and ended up losing, thus ending the Giants season.  Phil Simms, the Giants quarterback, told the press that “the 49ers laid down like dogs!”

Really?  That’s all you got, Frisco media?   

Posted in football | Tagged: , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Behind the black curtain

Posted by keithosaunders on October 20, 2011

Each time I see one of those NFL refs disappear behind the black curtain to review a play I wonder what he’s actually looking at.  I mean, what is behind the curtain?

I’m picturing a Times Square-esque Show World setup circa 1984.  

The ref steps behind the curtain and instead of a TV monitor he finds a coin operated machine.  He pops two bits into the slot and an automated window slowly rolls open to reveal a sultry naked lady. 

In the meantime we home viewers are treated to expert analysis by some former ref in a Los Angeles TV studio.  ”This is what will happen, yadda yadda yadda…”    

The ref does his business, exits the booth, and announces to the crowd…

(all together now)

AFTER FURTHER REVIEW, THE PLAY STANDS.

Posted in football | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

The shtetl of college football

Posted by keithosaunders on September 7, 2011

With four weeks to go in the 2011 baseball season we face a September devoid of pennant races.  A coupe of weeks ago it was looking like I would be lucky enough to be residing in one of the few markets — San Francisco — involved in meaningful September baseball.  How wrong I was. 

The end of August saw the Giants three games behind the plucky Diamondbacks.  They were entering an easy part of the schedule, however which featured seven games against baseball’s worst team, the Houston Astros.  The Giants, however, spit the bit, losing four of the seven, while the Dbacks overcame a mini losing streak to rattle off nine straight. 

The Giants could not overcome the myriad of injuries they have suffered all season long.  Furthermore, the magic that journeymen players, Cody Ross, Aubrey Huff, and Pay Burrell delivered last year, did not carry over into the current season.  Their pitching had been brilliant, but now is showing the wear and tear of the stress that comes with having no margin for error.  Even their ace, Tim Lincecum, has looked mortal lately, blowing up during the last two games he has pitched.  

Currently the black and orange are riding a two game winning streak and are sitting six games out.  It’s not hard to imagine them putting together a streak of wins –they will be remain in the west all month — but in order for them to catch up, the Diamondbacks would have to play .350 ball the rest of the year, which seems unlikely given the fact that they will be playing the same mediocre teams as the Giants.

The NFL begins this week, and not a moment too soon.  Let’s hear it for labor settlements!  The trouble is, I’m stuck with the Raiders and 49ers, two teams that can ruin any given Sunday.  

This situation has, improbably, driven me to…college football.  Oy!

At least we have he 6th ranked Stanford Cardinals and their Heisman candidate, quarterback Andrew Luck.  Stanford started off in true early season NCAA form — with a 54 point slaughter of patsy , San Jose St.  This Saturday they will travel to Durham, North Carolina to play Duke, which should be a more competitive game — they’re only three touchdown favorites. 

But wait, there’s more.  I live in a little town in the East Bay called Albany, which is just a few blocks north of Berkeley, and that, as you know, is the home of a certain Cal Bears.  University of Berkeley, baby!  And they’re 1-0, coming off an impressive, if not sloppy victory over Fresno State.  

Having lived in the east for so long, where college football was an afterthought, it feels odd to live just a couple of miles from a bigtime college school.  I’m actually considering going to a game.  Cal doesn’t do that well attendance-wise, so scoring a ticket shouldn’t be difficult. 

In the meantime, tomorrow is Wednesday and the A’s are home.  This combination can only mean one thing:  $2.00 ballgame!  I am so there.  A’s – Royals give it!   

Posted in baseball, football | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

NFL, are you ready for greatness?

Posted by keithosaunders on February 10, 2011

Another Super Bowl is history and we now stagger into the dark period of the sports year when there is nothing to watch but meaningless regular season NBA and NHL games until the opening day of the baseball season comes to the rescue.  This year the doldrums will be a few days shorter owing to MLB having moved their opening day three days earlier than usual to March 31st. 

But I digress.  It was a good, not a great game.  The Packers dominated the first half until Pittsburgh obliged us by putting up a good fight in the second half only to fall short.  Boo hoo — they have enough championships.

What I really want to talk about is the halftime show, which was an abomination.  If the Black Eyed Peas is the best that the NFL can offer then maybe they ought to throw in the towel and go back to using Up With People.  I appreciate that the NFL is making an effort to appeal to a younger demographic, but for gods sake, don’t do it with mediocrity!  Better to trot out old leviathans such as The Who or The Stones.  At least they could rock at one point. (albeit a point that is now decades in the rear view mirror) 

Sending the Black Eyed Peas out to do a halftime show is like asking Pee Wee Herman to play Hamlet.  It’s not in their skill-set.  Fergie?!  Give me a break.  She sounds like my grandma on acid.  What’s more, the one song they do that I would have cared to hear  — My Humps – wasn’t suitable for Middle America.  That’s the song with these catchy lyrics:

What you gon’ do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps 

Cole Porter couldn’t have said it better.

Fortunately for the NFL, I am here to solve their halftime problem.  Commishioner Goodell, if you want to hire an A-one class act that is professional, supremely talented, and under-the-radar, do yourself a favor and run, do not walk, to hire Cedar Walton.  There isn’t a better jazz pianist out there.  He’ll sound great, he’ll look marvellous, and best of all he will not embarrass you!  

Not only does Cedar bring excellence to the table, but he will imbue the halftime show with the dignity deserving of such event.  Us middle-aged jazzers will be thrilled to finally see our hero get his due, and the oldtimers will be happy not to have to fiddle with their hearing aids.  The youngsters will also be happy as long as you play up the fact that jazz is the most hated music of all time.  To them, seeing Cedar on the stage will be an enormous ‘fuck you’ to the yuppies that are pining to see the milquetoast bands of their youth. Not seeing Foreigner, Aerosmith, or Madonna on the stage will be worth putting up with ten minutes of hellaciously swinging hardbop.

Furthermore, I guarantee you that Cedar’s price tag will be hundreds of thousands less than The Police would have been.  It’s a win-win situation.  And just think how good those special effects will look to the sounds of Bolivia!   
    

Cedar Walton

Posted in football, jazz | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments »

Super Bowl memories: The return of the Jedi

Posted by keithosaunders on February 6, 2011

This has turned into a much bigger project than I had originally envisioned.  I felt the subject needed a little gravitas so naturally I went with Jedi.  I bet Lukie Skywalker doesn’t remember where he was for every Super Bowl. 

Super Bowl XXXIV — Atlanta

Rams vs Titans

The beginning of the aughties saw my Super Bowl viewing locale stabilize towards the greatest Borough in the world: The Bronx.  I would arrive at Jeff’s house about a half hour before game time ready for the pageantry that is the Super Bowl.  In keeping with the tradition begun over a decade earlier, the Super Bowl meal was always, and will always be, deli.  Let other people have wings, burgers, or whatever they want.  They’re peasants!  Real men eat kasha on Super Sunday. 

This was one of the great Super Bowls.  With three seconds remaining the Titans were at the Rams 10 yard line threatening to score the winning touchdown.  Quarterback Steve McNair passed to Kevin Dysan who caught the ball at the three yard line but was stopped at the one as the game clock elapsed.  

Super Bowl XXXV — Tampa

Ravens vs Giants

Nothing much to say here other than the Giants laid a huge egg in their return to Tampa.  I watched the game at my LIC apartment.  Perhaps the game was so traumatic that it wiped every detail of that day from my mind.  Moving on…

Super Bowl XXXVI — New Orleans

Patriots vs Rams

Back in the Bronx with Jeff and deli for the dawn of Patriots; unfortunately an era that persists to this day.  This was a great back and forth contest with the Patriot’s Adam Vinatieri kicking the deciding field goal as time expired.

Super Bowl XXXVII — San Diego

Buccaneers vs Raiders

It’s hard to believe there was a time in the not so distant past when the Raiders were good.  (and that the Buccanners have a Super Bowl victory) The Bucs coach, John Gruden, had previously coached the Raiders for three years.  Somehow the Raiders, even though their former coach was coaching against them, never bothered to change their playbook!  The result?  48-21 Bucs.

Super Bowl XXXVIII — Houston

Patriots vs Panthers

Keith:  What’s that?!

Jeff:  What?

Keith:  I think I just saw a nipple

Jeff:  What the hell are you talking about?!

Keith:  I’m not sure.  It happened so fast, but I think I just saw Janet Jackson’s nipple!

I was half-heartedly watching the halftime show.  Jeff was in the other room talking on the phone.  It was my dumb luck to witness the greatest split second of television history.  The beauty of it was that it could only be done once.  Shortly after the unveiling,  league rules were put in place insuring that every televised game would use a seven second delay.

 It was another great game and another great session of pageantry and deli at Jeff’s.  The game was tied late and we were in a frenzy looking forward to the first overtime game in Super Bowl history.  It was not to be, however, as an out-of-bounds Carolina kick off gave the Patriots great field position enabling Vinatieri to kick yet another game winning field goal.  32-29 Pats.

Super Bowl XXXIX — Jackoonville

Patriots vs Eagles

Jeff’s house. Deli.  Patriots.

Super Bowl XL — Detroit

Steelers vs Seahawks

Really, Seahawks?  Your one shot at a Super Bowl and this is what you give us:  Penalties, dropped passes, and poor clock management.  I’ll leave it to the readers to guess where I was and what I ate.

Super Bowl XLI– Miami

Colts vs Bears

My sixth straight year viewing the game in the Bronx saw Peyton Manning win the big prize.  Not much to say but Daaaaaaaa Bears! (lost)

Super Bowl XLII — Glendale, Arizona

Giants vs Patriots

I guess I picked the right year to throw my only Super Bowl party.  The Giants shocked the world and that blowhard Belicik went down along with Brady. (multiple times)  In attendance were my family, Jeff, drummer Taro Okamoto, and friends Thomas, Janet, and Ernie.  Afterwards I drove to Small’s jazz club in the Village and everyone was outside in a great mood, happy, yelling, honking horns.  No rioting, though.  People think that New York is a dangerous town but we never riot when our teams win.  So suck on that, Chicago!

Super Bowl XLIII — Tampa

Steelers vs Cardinals

Back at Jeff’s for this exciting matchup in which the Cardinals fell just short. This was yet another game that had overtime written all over it.  Late in the game the Cardinals had a three-point lead.  The Steelers had the ball and we figured they would play for a tieing field goal.  Wrong.  With 35 seconds left Roethlisberger through a touchdown pass to Santonio Holmes.  27-23 Steelers.

Super Bowl XXIV — Miami

Saints vs Colts

The Saints had the temerity to start the second half off with an onside kick.  They were successful but Jeff and I got a DSP.  (didn’t see play)  The Saints pulled away but the novelty of seeing New Orleans win the championship made up for the one-sided second half.

——————————————————————–

This wraps up Keitho’s first ever Super Bowl memory recap.  Who knows what memories tomorrow’s game will bring?  I’ll be back in another 30 years to review the next batch.

Posted in football, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

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